Ode to a Friend
by shakes003
Summary: Sometimes the hardest part about loving something, is when you have to let go. A look at Ponyboy's first experience at having to say goodbye.


For Lucy.

**Ode to a Friend**

I don't remember where she came from, only that it seemed like she was always there. I remember hearing the door open quietly, and I remember the sound of my brother Sodapop frantically whispering "Shhhh! Shhhh!" before the soft, warm, and wet tongue of a yellow cur puppy lapped at the chubby flesh of my cheeks. I opened my eyes to my brother smiling wildly at me, and a dark nose shoved into my face happily.

I was so little, but I remember begging my parents along with my big brothers to let us have a dog. But dogs cost money, and money was something we never had enough of. My dad was nothing if not a hard worker, and he worked his hands practically to the bone to provide for all of us. There was a roof over our heads, and food in our bellies which was more than a lot of kids this side of the tracks ever had. So, when I awoke to the sights and smells of a new puppy, I was more than a little confused.

"Wha?" I looked at Sodapop who just giggled at my confusion and looked up and over to dad who was standing in the doorway.

I followed his gaze and prayed in my heart for everything not to be a dream. I looked back at the puppy, wrapped my arms around it and buried my face in its neck. I could hear my dad's footsteps as he approached the bed, and soon the mattress dipped behind me from the weight of him sitting down.

"Easy now, Pony. You don't wanna hurt her. She's just a baby." My dad's hand rubbed gently on my shoulder.

I pulled back and looked at my dad in disbelief. "Is it ours? Are we really keeping it?"

Dad laughed at my excitement, and I noticed mom and Darry standing at the doorway to my bedroom looking on. We were all together to welcome the newest member to the family. I don't ever remember being so excited.

"Well, I wanted to make sure you were okay with that first. Whadaya think, kiddo?" My dad grinned.

"Dad? Really?"

I remember feeling the kind of giddy happiness that overwhelms the body so much it makes you cry. I was too young to be embarrassed about it, and any evidence of me being a bawl baby soon disappeared with puppy kisses.

"We need to figure out a name for her, kiddo." My dad's smile was warm as he ruffled his hand through my hair before Sodapop and me started rolling around the bed with our new friend. Darry stepped in at this time to join us, and even though he was older and tried hard to show he was too big to hang around his two little brothers, he was rolling around with us, giggling and as enraptured by the little cur dog as we were.

"Buddy!" I remember squealing.

"You wanna call everythin' Buddy, Ponyboy." Soda laughed as we took turns snuggling our faces against the vibrating puppy.

"It's a girl, kiddo. Buddy is more suited for a boy." My dad chuckled at our excitement.

We named her Buffy due in part that her yellow coat was pale, and also to spare my feelings. Darry liked the idea of "Buddy", and thought "Buffy" would be close enough so I wouldn't be hurt. Although my brother liked to put up a cool front, whenever anyone asked he let it be known that the name was my idea.

And just like everything in life, minutes seep into hours, hours to days, days to weeks and so on. As I grew, Buffy did as well. Somewhere in that time, I forgot that there was a time that existed before her, but I never gave thought to there ever being a time she wouldn't be. She was always there.

"How old is she now?" My best friend Johnny asked me one day.

We were walking to the lot, kicking rocks along the way. I looked behind me and there was Buffy, panting and struggling to keep up with us although she wouldn't stop. An odd feeling gripped my chest briefly, and I quickly pushed it aside as I blamed the weather for the troubles Buffy was having, even though it never held her back before.

I shrugged almost defensively. "I dunno. Ten I think, why?"

"Nothin' man, I just forgot how old. Y'all have had this dog for as long as I can remember." Johnny shrugged back, somehow knowing our topic of conversation was bothering me. Johnny was always deep that way.

"She's not old. She ain't even my age yet."

Johnny didn't say anything.

I pushed away that unfamiliar tug in my chest as we stepped over the curb of the lot and made our way to a tree where we could sit beneath. Buffy eventually found her way to us, slowly laying down between me and Johnny with her head resting in my lap. I looked down at her; my chest tightening as I suddenly noticed how her face was covered in white hair that had come with age.

"She's slowed down some." Johnny spoke gently as he reached over and rubbed Buffy behind the ear just the way she liked it. Her tail wagged in appreciation.

"It's just the heat." I said absently, but I think I was only hoping.

* * *

"Dad, Buffy's stuck again!" Soda yelled from the other room.

"Darrel," my mom gave my dad a look, and I noticed his eyes shift towards me, before he shook his head at her.

Mom didn't say anything more. She smiled stiffly as she placed a glass of milk in front of me.

"Dad," Sodapop looked at my dad while he plopped down into the chair at the table beside me.

"It's okay, Pepsi. I'll go get her." His voice was gentle as was the smile he gave.

"I'll do it. It's probably the walk yesterday. She's just stiff, is all." I shrugged as I made my way to my room. The hole in my chest was getting bigger with each sign.

Buffy looked up at me, and her tail wagged as I entered my bedroom, but she struggled when she tried to get up from her blanket on the floor beside my bed. It took her three tries, and by the time her front end was able to pull the full weight of her body up, I was already beside her, sitting half on her blanket. She didn't complain. She only rested her head on my knee while I pet her.

"Ponyboy?"

I didn't look up when I heard my dad's voice. I knew what was coming even before he sat down beside me; reaching his hand out to add to the loving scratches our yellow cur dog was receiving. He didn't say anything at first, and I listened to my dad's breathing while I tried to swallow the lump that was getting bigger in my throat.

"She's been a good dog. We have a lot of good memories with her, don't we?"

I nodded, hiding my face when my vision started to blur, and I realized it was because I was about to cry.

"She's had a good life. She's given us a lot of love." I heard my dad's voice tremble, and I looked at him and fell apart when I saw his tears.

"I don't want her to go!"

My dad held me fiercely to his chest and I felt him pet my hair like he'd just been petting Buffy's. I felt stupid and weak. I was almost fourteen, and boys weren't supposed to cry. But my dad was right by me with tears of his own, and I figured it must've been okay.

"It's time, Ponyboy." His voice was soft before he kissed the side of my head.

"It's not enough time!" I cried, and reached out for Buffy's head to scratch.

"It never is, baby. There will never be enough time, but she's tired, and she's in pain. You don't want her to be hurtin', I know you don't."

I shook my head while fat tears made their escape, and that anxious hole in my chest felt like it swallowed me. I knew my dad was right, but why did it have to hurt so much?

Buffy seemed none the wiser; her tail wagged contentedly with every scratch I gave her. Her mission in life the same as always; putting her family before herself.

My dad kissed my head and I felt his hand linger to hold it before he got to his feet. I guess that was his way of giving me the space I needed to say goodbye.

I laid down with her on her blanket and hugged her to me; unable to stop the overwhelming feeling of fear. I was scared. I didn't remember much of my life before Buffy. It was like she was always a part of it. And now she'd be leaving and I wasn't sure what my life would be like without her.

I felt like I couldn't breathe. I wasn't ready to let her go—I didn't want to. I knew dad would let me keep her if I put up a fuss. And I looked at Buffy, and she looked at me, and she looked so tired…

I felt an arm shove itself under my neck, and another arm wrap around my middle. I heard the sniffling and felt the wetness of tears on the back of my neck before a soft kiss pressed against my skin.

"It's gonna be okay, Pony."

Soda laying behind me was as comforting as it was painful, because I knew right then that I was being selfish. Buffy had been something special to everyone, and everyone was feeling the same angst that I was. My mom and dad, Darry, Soda, and even Buffy—they were all waiting for me.

"I don't wanna say goodbye." I cried, because as selfish as I knew I was being I knew that Soda would understand.

"It's okay to feel that way, Pony. It's okay. I'm gonna miss her too. I'm gonna miss her too."

And Soda just held me for awhile while I held Buffy, and we cried like boys weren't supposed to cry, but we knew it was okay because it was just the two of us. The sleeve of my shirt was damp from my antics, and the back of my shirt was damp from my brother's.

It was afternoon when dad finally came into my room and found me and Sodapop on the floor with the dog. Me and Soda sat up slowly and he looked on at us with sad eyes before he looked on at Buffy. His voice was barely recognizable.

"You boys got some chores to do. It's time."

I looked on at Buffy in a panic. I knew this was it. I knew that this was goodbye and that it meant forever. I'd never lost anyone before. I never had anyone in my life die. I never had grandparents or aunts and uncles that got old or sick and passed away. I didn't know what to do or how to feel. I looked at Soda who just nodded while he wiped the tears and snot from his nose onto the sleeve of his shirt, and I was too upset to be bothered by it.

Soda scooted over to Buffy before giving her a quick hug. He used my shoulder to help get himself up from the floor before slowly heading for the door. My dad gave him a look, and Soda turned around holding his hand out to me.

"C'mon, Pony. Let's let her go." He choked.

I looked down at Buffy who looked back at me tiredly. I bent over to hover; squeezing my arms around her neck while I buried my face into her hair one last time, hoping that I wouldn't forget the feel of her; hoping I'd never forget anything about her. I kissed her head, and left her lying there. Sodapop grabbed my hand and pulled me towards mom and the kitchen where my chores waited for me. He threw his arm around me, and I felt him kiss the side of my head before letting go of me.

Johnny called wanting to hang out that evening, but I didn't know if I'd be able to hold it together. I couldn't bring myself to leave my room. Dad finally came in long after supper was finished and the dishes were done with Darry and the Winchester in tow, and I got up from my bed to shut the door. I knew it wasn't dad's fault, but I was still hurting and I didn't know how to deal with the feelings I was having. I sat at my desk and stared out the window before grabbing my pencil, and I started doodling. It was dark when I looked up and out the window again. I eased up to step out of my clothes, and slid under the covers of my bed without saying goodnight to anyone.

I heard the door open quietly sometime during the night, and figured it was mom or dad checking in on me. I kept my eyes closed, pretending to still be asleep when I felt the covers pull back, and the mattress shift as someone laid next to me. I figured it would be Soda. He was sensitive; even more than me sometimes, and I wondered if he was unable to sleep.

"Pony? You awake?"

I turned my head expecting to see one brother, only to be startled by it being the other.

"Darry?"

"Who'd you think it was?"

"Soda." I shrugged.

"Oh, right." Something in Darry's voice made me look at him a little harder through the light of the moon. He looked sad.

"I just wanted to make sure you're okay. You know I'm here for you too, right?"

I nodded, not being able to talk for fear of breaking down in front of him. Darry wasn't like me or Soda. He didn't like to show how he was feeling. He was the strong one out of the three of us brothers, and although I loved him and got along with him, I don't think I saw him cry ever.

"You went with dad?"

"Yeah," Darry whispered, surprising me when he ruffled his fingers through my hair. "It was the right thing, Pony. She was in pain. Dad didn't wanna do it, but it was the right thing."

"What do you think happens? When we die?" I didn't know, but I hoped that when I died I'd find Buffy waiting there for me on the other side.

"We go to heaven." Darry shrugged like the answer was obvious.

"Will she be there?" I sniffed back the sob that was threatening to come out.

"Of course she's there, Ponyboy. She's a great dog—the best dog! She'll be there."

And my big brother surprised me again by pulling me into him. I pressed my face into his T-shirt while I willed myself not to cry when I felt another body slide in behind me.

"He okay?" It was Sodapop.

"He'll be okay. It'll just take time." I heard Darry sniffle, and I looked up thinking I'd see him cry, but he held on with just that sad look on his face.

"You gonna miss her, Darry?"

"Yeah, I'm gonna miss her a lot, Pony."

"Me too," Soda croaked before shoving his face into the back of my neck, letting himself go.

"Darry?" I asked once Soda calmed a little.

"Yeah?"

"How come you never cry?" I turned my head and could hear his heart beating through his T-shirt.

"I cry, Pony." He answered softly.

"I ain't never seen ya." I commented.

"Shit, I seen him cry last week when Dorothy Weathers wouldn't let him feel up her tits." Soda snarked and we started laughing.

"You're gonna be cryin' with my fist in yer mouth, Soda."

Soda and me started snickering, and it only took a second for Darry to join in. We barely all fit in my bed, but still laid there together wrapped around each other like we were our own puppy litter. I ached inside for the loss, but felt a deep warmth for the love in my heart for my brothers.

"Don't go," I whispered when I felt my throat clam up again, and my brothers just snuggled to me closer.

"We're not goin' anywhere, Ponyboy." Darry whispered back into my hair. "We're not goin' anywhere."

And that night I slept soundly with my brothers next to me. I dreamt of pale yellow hair on wagging tails, and puppy dog kisses. And I told God that if that wasn't heaven, I didn't wanna go.


End file.
